I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
