Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
