theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...