Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul