If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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