I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
