i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
