sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
