You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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