it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
