What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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