Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
