I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Two words: blizzard sex
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
