i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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