remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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