I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
