you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
