You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
FUCK WHALES
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
