Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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