I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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