I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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