the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
