I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
