just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
