Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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