At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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