he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
