i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
