This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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