That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
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Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
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I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
the raccoons are back...
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