my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
