I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg đđ
His name isnt in my phone as âSatanâs spawnâ for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
