Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
