What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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