Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you had me at cake vodka
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
