i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
