btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
