i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
