drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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