You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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