How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
