Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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