The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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