sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
