Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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