I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
