The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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