Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
