after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
