I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
