i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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