Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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