My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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