I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
