Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
