I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
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