Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
