I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
