She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
