I'm so fucking centered right now
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Randomize
