She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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