Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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