So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
